from time to time

i get lyrics stuck in my head. apropos of nothing. it's annoying. (what lyrics did i have stuck in my head before i started this post?!?!?!)

so anywhoooo... baby smith, el segundo, is bumming me out. i've been feeling like crap for weeks and i realized today that it's not *just* that i feel like throwing up all the time. i think i'm depressed, too. i think feeling bad is depressing. especially when it's during the few days of nice weather we'll enjoy over the next 365 days.

so i need to snap out of it and buck up and all that.

but for now i'll complain. after i express my deep gratitude for this opportunity to have another baby and add to our family and experience the amazing-ness that is being a mom all over again. because i really am grateful. and i'm excited. and so glad. very, very glad.

but GEEZ. does it really have to be this crappy?!?! i already know i am expecting another c-section (which i've already started having phantom memory pains from). do i really have to vomit every few hours for weeks on end and be forced to carry around a spit cup for my overactive salivary gland!??!?! DIS-GUS-TING.

ugh.

baby, baby, baby.

smith baby #2 you better be as good as your sister.

ok, so, sorry about that

it's been a long time but mostly because i'm pregnant and i wasn't ready to blog about it but it was the only thing on my mind.

so now i can talk about it. so now i can blog. about my pregnancy. lucky you.

a day in the life of me as a baby-carrier:

- wake up around 3am hungry, exhausted and with a mouth full of spit

- spit into my ever-present spit cup and think about getting up to eat something in hopes of warding off the barf-fest that starts my day around 6am

- fall asleep while trying to will myself up

- awake to snoring matt a few times

- fall back to sleep for minutes at a time

- finally drag myself out of bed when hc awakes

- walk in, bleary-eyed to hc's room and quickly change her diaper before barf-fest begins

- carry hc in on arm and my spit cup and dirty diaper in the other as i race downstairs to start the day

- throw up in the sink as hc asks if my tummy hurts

- have one strong throw-up session and drag myself to the couch as hc eats at the dining room table

- lie on the couch til we're sure to be late to preschool or whatever else we have going on that day and then race around to get ready, spitting in my spit cup every 30-60 seconds

- go about my day spitting, feeling sick, getting sick and feeling sorry for myself

- get little to no exercise

- consume only protein with a bit of carbs here and there

- put hc to bed and crash almost immediately

- start again at 3am

a few new pics on smuggy

click here

mommahood and shirking it

i love so many things about mommahood but there a few things i could stand to get a break from once in a while.

i want time to myself. hc is in preschool. they are related. very closely.

i want to workout without worrying about whether or not she is content and stimulated. she goes to preschool.

i want to run errands efficiently so i can spend more time doing fun stuff. she goes to preschool.

i want to get to the doctor, dentist, banker, etc. she goes to preschool.

i want to have coffee with mattski. just he and i. she goes to preschool.

don't get me wrong -- originally i decided on it because i truly thought she was ready and she "needed" to go to preschool like all the other little ones we know. but every mom i talked to emphasised the benefits to themselves much more than the merits of the schools. and now i understand why. i pack a lot in to those 5-10 hours a week. and i enjoy the time a lot. i appreciate the opportunity to be a person. a woman. an individual.

but im not convinced it's *best* for her. and i'm not even sure what that means.

a happy momma is important for a happy baby but vice versa is also true...

today was the first drop off since the first week (when she apparently didn't realize what she was in for) that hc seemed generally okay with the whole thing. she still cried a little bit but by the time i was out the door she was done.

it made me feel great. and made my mad dash to the gym and to run errands that much more enjoyable.

we're sticking with it... for now. and maybe it's getting better for hc.

or maybe i'll throw it all out the window tomorrow and we'll go back to being attached at the hip (literally).

and another thing

i really enjoy hazel claire. i appreciate her strengths (and even embellish them in my head!). i love to listen to her and question her and watch her. i REALLY love the empathy she displays. im not sure how real it is or where it comes from necessarily but i love seeing it.

it's simply wonderful.

i pinched my finger in the door and her face crumpled at the sight of mine. "oh momma! i sorry! you want me to kiss it? you want daddy to kiss it, too?" i accepted her kiss but insisted i didn't need daddy to come home from work to kiss it. she pushed back though, " it will feel better if daddy kisses it, too." i said i'd get one he came home. she agreed that that was acceptable.

pearl (that damn cat) has an eye infection. i have to put eye drops in her eye FOUR TIMES A DAY. hazel asked me why and i told her pearl's eye was hurting and the drops would make her feel better. she responded with, "ohhhh, po baby, pull. you okay, baby? you feel bettuh when momma gives you dwops in da eye." she didn't seem to understand that i, too, could use some empathy but she's just a baby.

when pearl meows to go outside she says, "we he-uh you, baby, it's okay." and when moxie scratches too much she says, "come one, moxie doodle, top cwatching now."

awesome.

she's also an enthusiastic cheerleader which is so darn sweet i want to cry. we were playing a memory game this afternoon and each time i got a match she'd rub my arm and say either, "yuh so smaaaht, momma!" or "good job, momma! yuh awesome!"

when i got out of night court this evening she said, "momma! you done? good job!" i'm not sure that's what anyone else would say of my court-ordered appearance in traffic court but i appreciate her enthusiasm nonetheless.

sweeeeeet bb.

im one lucky momma.

is that sticky sweet enough for you tonight? no dessert for you after reading this one! gag.

preschool for my baby

she's not a baby -- she's two! but she IS my baby and i've been torn...

hc is still adjusting to the idea of preschool. it's a 15 minute drive and about 3 minutes into it she starts fretting over our destination. on thursday she started saying, "momma, let's go home. now. please? can we go home?"

ugh.

it makes me feel terrible.

after going back and forth - second guessing myself and our decision to start her two days a week at *only* two years old we decided to stick to it... for now.

i know im going to go back again and reconsider (and likely recommit) but it's just the way im made. this is what i do. matt says it's regret-driven living but i say it's a purposeful reassessment of life.

in any case, baby h is working me pretty hard on the whole preschool thing. we've had some epic crying meltdowns in the parking lot and at the classroom doorway. we've had some heart-to-hearts such as:

me: hazel claire, you're going to preschool today and im going to run errands and do chores.
hc: oh... okay. you're going to do cho-was?
me(sighing to show her that chores are more lame than preschool): yeaaaahhh.
hc(holding one finger in the air): how bout dis: you go to pweeschoo and i do cho-was. deal?
me: no, babes, chores aren't fun. chores are boring and blah. preschool is FUN!!!
hc: okay... (finger comes back up) how bout dis: you to cho-was and i stay home. deal?
me: uhhh... no. do you want juice with breakfast?!?!
hc: YEAH!
me: good....

great. so running through my head are things such as: she's clearly not ready. she doesnt even like it!! she wants to do chores and stay home instead!! she feels absolute dread. this is terrible.

however, after a personal reassessment, a conversation with the director and her teacher, follow-up emails from them both, and another personal exchange with the teacher im back on board. apparently my heart-broken, terrified little baby is a line leader, song leader, joke teller, and all-around bossy teacher's pet in the classroom. other than being a little annoying to some i can see she's doing just fine. and that she's totally got my number. and that i'm in trouble.

different strokes...

i am a big advocate of NOT judging other parents' choices. as long as children are safe and healthy i choose - wisely, i think - to assume that parents doing the best they can. and i've come by that advocacy role by being a mom for two years.

it's a lesson most of us (hopefully) learn as we become first time parents. before i was pregnant i would find myself looking at a woman who was making "unhealthy" lifestyle choices -- eating too much, not exercising, (gasp!) not choosing organic and think, "what is she thinking?!?! she's pregnant!" then i got pregnant and we all know what happened there... morning sickness turned into nine-month-all-day-all-night sickness and i laid on the couch crying and eating a diet of primarily chocolate and junk and realized it's not always as easy as it seems.

before i gave birth i'd hear about women being induced or asking for a scheduled c-section and automatically rattle off in my brain the list of possible dangers and potential detrimental effects on their bodies and their children (think of the children!!). then hazel claire was born via emergency c-section after just about every possible medical intervention known in western medicine. something i would have never anticipated. and the fog began to clear...

before we brought hc home i would have "never" done most of what i've already done as a parent. ha. and ugh. at the same time.

but being a parent to my child is very different from making set-in-stone decisions about other people's children and choices and parenting techniques. they are opposites, in fact. one is exceedingly difficult the other knee-jerking-ly simple. so basically i'm here today advocating for the "it's-not-necessary-to-judge-parents-who-are-really-doing-their-best-(and that is most of them)" movement.

and also to note that apparently the "i'm-a-bad-mom movement" is all the rage. it's totally envogue to admit to all your terrible parenting choices -- even before the 10 year rule! so here goes:

- i'm delighted when hc wants a treat and hopes that it's something sweet. i even encourage it (according to some).
- my child has practically memorized seasons one, two and three of dora the explorer. and she JUST-TURNED-TWO.
- hc sat in my lap when i pulled my car to the top of the driveway last week because she *really* wanted to and i wanted to see the look on her face when the car moved and she was in the front seat (it was pure and utter delight).
- she's eaten food off the floor. in a public place. i didn't have the energy to intervene (okay, that one really makes me gag still).
- i've purchased complete and utter plastic garbage from the drug and grocery stores. on numerous occasions. sometimes to stop the whining and sometimes just to see her get excited about the brightly colored trash for sale.
- i've gone back on the bita-free household. twice.
- i skipped a doctor-ordered xray of her face because it was going to come right after the flu shot and she was too bummed for me to want to put her through it. i then got a phone call and a letter from the doctor reprimanding me (should i redact that one?). fwiw, it was a why-don't-i-order-an-xray-so-we-can-just-see type of order. it didn't seem necessary. but i really just didn't want to make her cry again.
- we (matt and i) laid on the floor and pretended to sleep for 20 minutes because hc thought it would be more fun than going to bed by herself the other night. over indulgence. it's a problem.

so there. that's all i could think of in three minutes but it's a good start.

now i guess i will read one chapter of dr. sears, remind myself three times of the theory behind the ferber method and promise to do better next time.

new pics on smugmug

new pics

hazel claire is one with the ocean

or something like that.

hc loves twin lakes and aldos and the harbor and the light house. and i love that. im so glad she is getting the chance to know the place that at some point became my home away from home. and that she's getting the chance to know all of her fake uncles, aunts and cousins (aka second cousins, second cousin-in-laws and second cousins' kids... whatever those are called).

she told me today that she loves her uncle kyle "evah, evah, evah." which loosely translates to 'a lot.' and she has titled the kids of her generation 'my' (i.e. my ali, my haley, my she-she). i think that's a good thing :)

summer is coming to an end. school is right around the corner... im still processing pictures but some are up on smugmug. enjoy!

Congratulations, Casey and Alana!!!

it's almost here!

baby h is soon going to be... not a baby. she's almost two!!!

she talks (ugh) and walks and sings. she dances and climbs and jumps(!!). she tries new things and makes new friends and laughs a lot every day.

she's doing so great i can't believe it sometimes. she's a really good kid.

today we went to conroe to celebrate her upcoming 2nd birthday with GooGoo (her great grandmother and namesake). it was perfect. we walked in the door and she exclaimed, "Hi GooGoo! I came here to have my birthday with YOU!" GooGoo laughed and was quickly directed to "sit next to me! right here!" by the little half pint who calls her self hay-zewl clay-uh. they sat together, ate together, talked together and laughed. a lot. i recorded some of it and enjoyed listening to them have another bonding experience.

we all talked about getting candles on your birthday cake and what you're supposed to do. when we all felt certain that the rules were understood i lit her candle (a single dora the explorer figure holding a balloon). we sang two verses of happy birthday and hc went for the candle. she blew it out no problem and enthusiastically congratulated herself. we laughed and had cake. GooGoo insisted on serving ice cream, too. we were happy to oblige.

we opened a present and oooed and ahhhed over it. she got money (a ten dollar bill!! that she refered to as "a penny!!"... close enough) and a rabbit that she LOVES.

we played some more and said our goodbyes. hc chattered about her GooGoo and her birthday cake and her momma. she told me i was her best best ever (i think she means friend).

aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.... when things are good as a momma they are really, really good.

thank you for this chance. i love my job. and life. and baby (i mean toddler).

fever-free

pheeeeeeeeeew. we're done. that sucked.

i'm glad we were able to put off this particular "first" of hers this long. and for the record: i have no desire to revisit the wonder of toddler illness.

the fever is gone, the rash (that the doctor promised would follow) is here but it doesn't seem to bother her at all. it looks kinda terrible but who cares!

baby h slept a whopping 15.5 hours last night! then she ate like a (teeny tiny) horse today. we were very proud.

she has the bita still but i think we'll be strong enough to start again on our anti-bita regimen tomorrow.

wish us luck! or better yet, wish us wisdom!

heading into day four

of bita-free fever fest and we are not a happy household.

hc has her first real illness -- whatever it is -- and she can't seem to shake this fever. her mouth is dry and her tummy hurts (as she tells us) and she is HOT. we're all miserable. i've forgotten what it's like to be up all night. i feel like i'm in a watery world -- sounds are muted, scenes distorted and we all need to come up for air.

tonight at 2:06am i decided to offer hc her pacifier in an attempt to abate the weepy, fevered misery hc has been experiencing. we'd gone three days without the bita and were feeling pretty good - especially considering her under-the-weather status. but i just felt terrible for her tonight and thought if it could comfort her in a way that matt and i have failed to then there was no harm in giving it to her.

the indulgence was worth it. the look on her face was absolute serenity. we watched a calm wave wash over her face and body as she took the bita and rolled over on the ground. the weeping stopped and she said, "thank you, daddy. i'm tired." with that she was out. poor thing.

don't tell hc but once this fever has been kicked we're back to being bita-free. for now, though, she'll enjoy a few more baby days.

we made it through the night!

success!?!?!

i can't believe it.

she awoke at 630am crying and asking for her bita. she has a bit of a fever and is pretty clingy. but it's unrealted... right? being bita-free doesn't cause a fever does it?

we'll see...


update: she napped without the bita this afternoon. took solace in her ittybit and little rabbit cozy from north american bear. pure awesomeness.

and we're bita-free?!?

yesterday on the plane home from denver we talked about getting rid of the bita (pronounced: bee-tuh. aka pacifier). we wanted to do it sooner than later because i had noticed a few things that concerned me. nothing serious but it had been on my mind so we had a talk.

we decided to give it a try during this two week lull in the summer.
this afternoon, pop and boppy came by to bring moxie home and i invited them to join us on a trip to the toy store. hc and i talked about trading in her bitas for a new special toy last night before bed. she seemed interested and even repeated the plan to daddy twice.

this morning she awoke remembering our plan for the day and talked about her new special toy. she thought it might be a whale or a dolphin.

after a nap we headed to the store and hunted around for a loooooong time. she liked a lot of what she saw. i was thinking something like a lovey would be good. she had her heart set on a shopping cart. hmmm... how would a shopping cart replace the comfort of a bita i wondered.

nothing struck our fancy so we thought we'd move on to another toy store. in the mean time we got hungry and then tired. so we came home empty handed. all was not lost tho because the bitas had gone into a bag on the way to the store and hadn't come back out yet.

i deflected a few pleas for her bitas and we made it to bed time without the use of the bita. i was amazed we had gotten that far!

at bed time we went thru our normal routine and she asked for each of the following: water, milk, a book, a camera, baba and mimi (two baby dolls), her bita and more water. since the list was rattled off as one large request i selectively acquiessed piece by piece leaving out the bita (of course).

she talked to herself for a whopping TWO AND A HALF HOURS! and then fell asleep. no crying, no freak outs, nothing.

it's only ten o'clock. the night's still young but she has NEVER (since she was nine days old) fallen asleep without a bita.

it's amazing.

please let it be this easy. it will be a great lesson for me :)